my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
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