Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
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