I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
we turned his baptism video into a drinking game
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
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He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
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I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If a guy makes a dick joke within 24 hrs of matching am I just setting myself up for disaster if I say yes to a date lol
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