it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
Randomize
