I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
I'm pretty sure you and I ate the entire Keebler elf weed workshop
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
