The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
He hit me with his bagpipe
Isnt that against the lesbian handbook?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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