I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I dont ever wanna see you tell my little brother to "spread the seed" ever again
Scratch that. Lia's boy toy's brother has a gorilla costume. This is gonna be great.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
