i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
well apparently i sat in the bathroom staring in the toliet at my vomit. it was blue. how was your night?
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
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