he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
it was like eating out sand paper
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
