Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
I am mildly hung over. Decided pants are very unnecessary right now.
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