I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
