So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
I was masterbating to some porn on my phone and my mom decides to text me "are you okay?" I mean i was doing great until you cock blocked me mom..
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
