sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Option 1: fuck me and bedtime. Option 2: come fuck me and then hangout with everyone. Option 3: don't fuck me in which case fuck you.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
he bought me ice cream then took me home and fucked the shit outta me. you can't write this kinda romance.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
