drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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