i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Randomize
