chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
These 21 People Came Up With Hilarious Excuses For Their Hickies
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger