you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
21 People Tragically Stumbled Upon A Dead Body
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
27 Socially Expected Things That Are The Absolute Worst
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
your life is not complete until you watch a gaggle of murderous clowns dance to gangnam style.
also, what is the correct term for a shit ton of clowns?
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.