My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
my phone needs a breathalizer
thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
She said "oh yeah" like Hulk Hogan with the muscle flex and everything. Totally digging this chick
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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