I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?
i thought you knew
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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