She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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