It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.
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I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
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If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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