Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
It's not a walk of shame if you run
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
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