Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
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He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
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Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
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