Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
