so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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