It's like God shit irony all over that family
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Her Grandmother felt me up AND paid for dinner. If she doesn't get her shit together I'm gonna be her Step Grandfather.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
