Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
She walked out and announced that he was now part of our confused, incestuous, glorious eskimo family. I've never been more proud.
Campus is too small for this to keep happening
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
Dude I love you. So much. Thank u. I'm safea. In allysi lns car. Mine towed. If u loved me ud leand me 500 in the morning. Sleep on it nd let me know.
Randomize
