The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
