I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
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