after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
