So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Randomize
