I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
Why is my hat full of peanuts?
Don't throw them out, I'm on my way
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Today is a wonderful day to be mildly hungover
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Randomize
