i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Randomize
