The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
I love everything about him! His penis, his hair, his tattoos, his penis, his cat, his penis.
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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