just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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