Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Excuse me but the alley way I wanted to fuck in happens to be a very nice clean area.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Ur dad just showed me a tit pic he got omf
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
Randomize
