woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
The night took a wrong turn after I found you smoking a blunt with a midget behind the bar...
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