I am midnight drunk by noon
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
All I remember was endless tequila and pulling karate moves from 3 Ninjas Kick Back towards the guy at 7 Eleven. Explanation?
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
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