I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
You kept telling me to "raw dog" your take home breathalyzer without the mouthpiece
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
I'm making a date with someone on Playstation Home. That's how my sex life is going right now.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Randomize
