Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
