it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
3pm strippers are depressing
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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