Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
You now have the mental image of me flying off into the sunset with no pants
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
Randomize
