Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
Randomize
