weddingsv make me drug and hornr
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
