Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Best part of Friday afternoon drinking? Having ping pong balls thrown into my cleavage.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
40s are totally the cure
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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