your parents love me but you hate me
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
Every concussion has its silver lining
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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