You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
