How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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