that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
i got a mint flavored condom from wellness day...im kind of tempted to taste it
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
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