i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
