My liver just broke up with me...
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
