come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just found a bag of teeth...
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Dick very happy bro
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