Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Please call us Steph is okay but missing phone wallet tooth
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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