Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
