Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We Started drinking at 8am and left the bar around 11pm....I hate ALL green things
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
You reeked of guilt and shame and we offered you pancakes
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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