I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Randomize
