if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
No,she came up with a new game: "Where is the most interesting place I can show Drew my asshole?"
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
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