someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
