in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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