Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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