Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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