Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Randomize
