i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Randomize
