why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Randomize
