dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
